


It's You That I Lie With

by cardeloonygate



Series: Dream a Little Dream of me [1]
Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, More angst, Please Don't Hate Me, also read till end I promise, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:27:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25127734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cardeloonygate/pseuds/cardeloonygate
Summary: Angst ridden Jen and Judy fic. I promise it gets better. I mean it's mostly angst but it's worth it in the end I hope.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Series: Dream a Little Dream of me [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1820206
Comments: 7
Kudos: 50





	It's You That I Lie With

**Author's Note:**

> It's worth it I promise.  
> There will be a part two most definitely but I have no clue when. I had the idea for this pic before Liz Feldman broke the heart wrenching news and now the pic seems very bittersweet.

Jennifer Harding tapped her fingers on the armrest of the white leather couch where she currently sat. If she was being her normal self on this Sunday morning, Jen wouldn’t hesitate to gag and mock the frills and lace that adorned the plethora of wedding dresses that lined the racks surrounding the room. But today, she was supposed to play the role of the supportive best friend and help Judy pick out her wedding dress. Jen couldn’t help the pained strain on her face as the words wedding and Judy crossed her mind. It wasn’t that Judy didn’t deserve to be happy. Judy deserved the fucking world and Jen would give anything to be the person that gave her exactly that. However, sadly, she wasn’t that person. Jen was just Judy’s best friend. Their relationship was intended to be strictly platonic. 

Jen picked at the cheap leather that was wearing down under her arm and looked over her shoulder at the open door that contained an excited and glowing Judy Hale, straining as she pulled the dress over her head, zipping up the back effortlessly once it had settled over her frame. Judy caught Jen’s eye in the full-length mirror in front of her and gasped. 

“Jen!” Judy crossed her arms and turned around to face the blonde, while she used the door as a shield and stuck her head out to glare at the blonde. 

“I told you to wait until I came out!” Judy huffed but couldn’t help her smile when she saw Jen raise her arms in defense. 

“Sorry to tell you this Jude but wasn’t it just last week when you waltzed out of the bathroom with nothing but your hello kitty underwear and bra on?” Jen raised her eyebrows in question at the younger woman who was now trying to shoo away the parts of the fluffy gown that the door hadn’t concealed. Jen turned around and smiled to herself, her hands no longer fidgeting with the now uncomfortable couch. 

Judy rolled her eyes and opened the door back up once she knew Jen wouldn’t be peeping at her. 

“That’s not what I meant. I wanted it to be a surprise.” Judy smoothed out her curls and the folds in the dress as she prepared to make her entrance to Jen, even though the moment she had wanted was ruined by the relator’s inability to hold an ounce of patience. 

“And you know I’m not a prude, I don’t care showing my skin especially when you were screaming because of a spider in our room. I thought someone was abducting you.” Judy turned away from the mirror, walked out of the room and began to approach the raised platform five feet away from where Jen was now sitting. 

“Jude, I swear it was like the biggest spider I had ever seen.” Jen was preparing to delve into the physical traits of the spider that Judy had not gotten the pleasure to see because Jen had whacked it with one of the brunette’s wedges, its guts smearing on the floor and becoming unrecognizable. After Judy realized that Jen was in no immediate danger, she was visibly upset with the blonde and tore the shoe from Jen’s hand. Jen couldn’t help the deep belly laugh that escaped as she watched a half seething and heartbroken Judy holding one of her shoes, half naked. 

Jen didn’t get to list off the many undesirable physicalities of the eight-legged freak because Judy was suddenly in her line of sight, stepping onto the platform in front of the older woman, smoothing out her dress once she was safely standing. Jen was speechless staring up at Judy who was looking down embarrassingly. Her dress fit perfectly and was such a Judy dress. The gown was made of lace and had white flowers plastered over various spots. Judy’s skin was tanned in perfect contrast to the cream white. Jen liked that it was cream and not blinding florescent white. In fact, Jen loved everything about the dress. It highlighted everything she loved about Judy. Her shoulders were left exposed as the sleeves hung lower on her arms, the lace was a tad see through towards the bottom and you could make out parts of Judy’s toned legs. 

Judy cleared her throat loud enough that caused Jen to lift her eyes to Judy’s. Jen could feel her eyes prickling with tears but bat them away. 

‘Not now you idiot’ Jen thought as she swallowed a lump in her throat. 

Jen walked over to Judy and held both of the smaller woman’s hands. Judy never looked happier than she did now. Jen felt her heart crushing at the fact that she would never be the one responsible for the permanent smile that had been etched onto Judy’s face since Michelle proposed. Jen squeezed Judy’s hands lovingly.

“You look absolutely stunning.” 

***

Three months passed by too quickly for Jen’s liking and it’s finally the day she’s been dreading. Today is the day that Judy Hale, her person, is getting married. If anyone walked into their house right now, they would immediately know it was today. Not only did all of the calendars have it marked in red ink, there was an invitation hanging on the fridge, multiple wedding planning books on the living room table and the kitchen island, and to make it all even more obvious, Judy was scrambling around the house getting everything ready so they could get to the chapel early. 

Jen didn’t want Judy to do anything that resembled work since it was her big day, but the petite woman would not let Jen lay a hand on anything that didn’t relate to either Jen or the boys. So, to help, she got the boys suits together along with the suit that Judy had to basically beg Jen to wear. She was her maid of honor for Christ’s sake and Judy wanted her showing up in a suit! Jen tried to argue with the brunette, but Judy has been quite the bridezilla throughout this ordeal so naturally it didn’t take much time after Jen reluctantly agreed. 

Once Judy triple checked that she absolutely had everything she could possibly need, all four of them crammed into the overflowing car and drove to the church. On arrival, henry immediately made his way to his Holy Harmonies crew and they began rehearsing a song they’d be singing at the wedding reception. Jen told Judy she didn’t have to have them perform after Henry had ever so sweetly asked Judy one night while they were both reading in bed. His puppy dog eyes that even Jen sometimes couldn’t resist were working wonders on Judy and the hippie took his face in her hands and kissed his forehead, saying ‘I couldn’t even begin to imagine my wedding without the Holy Harmonies.’

Once he had left their bedroom, Jen took her reading glasses off and smirked over at Judy with a ‘I can’t believe you’re going to have the Holy Harmonies perform at your wedding’ face. Judy just smiled and went back to her book, saying that she wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Now as Jen watched henry rehearsing, she couldn’t help but gush over how sweet Judy is to her boys. At this point they weren’t even just her boys; they were their boys. Jen averted her gaze from the Holy Harmonies and looked over at Charlie who was pacing up and down the walkway. 

Jen smiled to herself realizing that he was nervous. Charlie would be the one walking Judy down the aisle today. Jen’s eyes welled up at the memory of him asking Judy if he could just six months prior. Judy had been agonizing over her walking down the aisle and she didn’t want to do it alone. Jen would’ve asked Judy if she wanted her to, but before she could even think about it, Charlie had asked Jen if she thought it was a good idea if he were to be the one to walk her. Jen immediately was on board and so that night, Charlie had gathered both Jen and Judy in the living room. 

In his true teenage boy fashion, it took him a while to articulate exactly what he was trying to say and in turn, it was confusing Judy who was now worried that something was wrong. While Judy was pestering him with her concerned questions, He finally spit it out saying, ‘My God Judy can I just fucking walk you down the aisle or something… I mean if you’re okay with it.’ And in true Judy Hale fashion, her version of saying yes was to burst into tears and hug Charlie who looked like the air was being squeezed out of him. For the next five months if anyone even mentioned anything about waking down the aisle Judy would get teary eyed. This seemed to currently have the same effect on Jen as she wiped away a couple of stray tears. 

It had only been an hour and thirty fucking minutes but already Jen needed her space. She couldn’t handle all of the Michelle and Judy conversations with everyone, and even worse a blown-up picture of the couple was propped in the front of the entrance to the chapel. Jen silently made her way out of the emergency exit in the back of the chapel and once she was out and sure no one was around, she slid down the door. She knew this day would royally suck and be crowned one of the shittiest days in her life, but the amount of times Jen had wanted to break down were already reaching double digits. 

Jen had come to the realization that she was in love with Judy about a year ago, right after the crash. Actually, it was kind of the crash that triggered her feelings for the younger woman. The first thing Jen had thought when she woke up was if Judy was okay. She refused to talk to anyone or even acknowledge them until she saw Judy. That being said, after coming home from the crash, Jen was the most scared and vulnerable she had ever been. The mere thought of Judy no longer being in her life was enough to make her body wrack with sobs. Because of this, Judy had moved permanently into Jen’s room without question. That obviously complicated Jen’s feelings even more. The two sharing a bed was the most intimate thing they’ve done. When either had a typically hard night, they would hold each other in a comforting embrace until they both fell asleep. This was like adding gasoline to the fire that was Jen’s romantic feelings for Judy. However, she knew Judy didn’t feel the same. Yeah, they were each other’s persons, but Judy was with Michelle now.

Jen always wondered if they got into arguments about Judy still living with Jen, but I guess Judy convinced Michelle that they would move in after marriage. Jen didn’t let herself think about Judy moving out too much. The thought alone made her want to throw up. All the work they did to create this family and Judy was just going to leave? The blonde couldn’t blame her. Jen was a handful and Judy deserved to be truly happy. Again, Jen can’t bring herself to accept the fact that she doesn’t make Judy happy anymore. Not like that. 

As if Judy was listening to the conversation, Jen got a text from the soon to be Mrs. Gutierrez. 

‘I need your help’ 

Jen got to her feet and sent a quick text saying she’d be there in a second. Judy was in a room all to herself so she could get ready. For the last hour and a half, people were poking and prodding her head, putting makeup on her and tying her hair into a loose and messy bun. Jen would’ve stayed with her, but Judy wanted her to make sure no one was too bored and that the guests were all settled. 

Once Jen located the room, she opened the door and saw Judy taking the wrapping that was protecting her dress off. Jen walked up to it and helped Judy unwrap the rest of the dress. Their hands met at the bottom and Jen literally could feel the fucking fire on her fingertips every time she touched Judy. Jen took a step back and turned to look at Judy head on. She was gorgeous, obviously. Her hair was in its natural curls and tied up. Some curls were left on either side of the woman’s face, framing it perfectly. The makeup wasn’t too much, which Jen was so happy with. She knew Judy looked best with the minimal amount of makeup and right now was no exception. She had a light pink gloss on her lips and light layer of mascara that made her brown eyes appear even more supple. 

“You look so beautiful Jude.” Jen whispered and wrapped the smaller woman in an embrace.

Judy sighed contently and smiled shyly when they broke apart. Judy quickly walked over to the other side of the room and grabbed Jen’s suit which was hanging opposite of Judy’s dress. Jen rolled her eyes over how obsessed Judy had been with this suit. It wasn’t a plain black and white piece that Jen thought Judy would make her wear, it was actually the same color of Michelle’s bridesmaids dresses. It was a dark emerald green, like the blazer that Jen had… Judy’s favorite work blazer of hers. In fact, Judy said she based their wedding colors once she saw this suit. For some crazy reason she had wanted Jen to wear it and in order for it to match, they had to make sure the bridesmaids wore this color as well. In some aspect, Jen had felt this as a win for her. Of course, Michelle had the ultimate win of marrying Judy, but it made Jen feel better knowing that Judy had made Jen such an important aspect. Judy laughed and pushed the garment into Jen’s arms. 

“Go on, go get dressed! I want to see you in it before the ceremony.” Judy was basically jumping with Joy as Jen begrudgingly walked over to a private area of the room that was sectored off by a folding screen, allowing her to get dressed in a semblance of privacy. 

Jen had tried the suit on before when she had to get it tailored so it wasn’t that special seeing it on her now. She did it alone, because Judy didn’t want to see her in it until the wedding day. God it was almost as if they were getting married. She tied the tie to her best abilities, and sheepishly emerged from her safe haven and into the adoring eyes of Judy Hale who had her back turned to the blonde. She was struggling with the zipper on her wedding dress and sighed as she kept trying to yank the now stuck zipper up the expanse of her back. Jen walked over and placed her hand softly on Judy’s hand that was grasping the mechanism so as to not scare her. 

“Let me get that for you.” Jen quietly said as Judy removed her hand from underneath Jen’s. As agonizingly slow as she could, Jen tugged the metal up Judy’s back, her hand gliding over the smaller woman’s skin. Once it was secured in place, Jen let her hand hesitate on Judy’s back before moving it and stepping away. 

Judy quickly turned around and her eyes lit up in joy as she saw Jen in all her green glory. Her eyes sprung with tears as she walked up to Jen until there was barely a foot between the two. 

“My God Jen it’s so beautiful on you!” Tears were threatening her eyes as she let her arms drift up and down Jen’s arms and over her shoulders, squeezing lightly when she went back down to the blonde’s forearms. Jen just stared at Judy, all the emotions of today threatening to spill out. Judy being in the dress made everything so real for the older woman. Today would be the last day of ‘Jen and Judy.’ After today it was Judy and Michelle. After today it was just Jen, all alone like she probably deserved to be. 

Before Jen could process her emotions or contemplate them anymore, she saw a tear roll down Judy’s face. Jen cupped the woman’s cheek and wiped the rogue tear with her thumb. 

“Hey now, you don’t want to ruin your mascara, do you?” Jen said softly and left her hand on Judy’s cheek. Judy smiled weakly and tilted her head slightly, so it was resting in Jen’s hand. 

“You are so beautiful Jen. I mean you are truly heaven on a stick.” Judy laughed softly at her last statement and sniffled. 

The artist raised her hands and brought them below Jen’s neck where her tie was resting. It was a bit loosened now and not near tight or straight enough, so Judy straitened it out and tightened it, patting the spot after her hands did its magic and moving them to rest comfortably atop Jen’s shoulders. The room was silent. You could literally hear a pin drop while Judy and Jen looked into each other’s eyes, telling each other how much either of them meant to one another. They never had to say anything, they knew the important role they played in each other’s lives. 

Jen couldn’t break her stare from Judy, she bore into her soul, pleading that Judy would listen. Pleading that she would finally understand what Jen was feeling without her having to say it. But Judy looked as if she were scared, as if Jen could say one thing and she’d collapse. The brunette was suddenly battling something inside her. Battling feelings that she had long forgotten. Jen was about to ask what was wrong when Judy took a step back and started pacing back and forth. 

“Jen what if she isn’t the one. What if she’s like Steve and leaves me.” Judy kept listing all these what if’s while she paced around the room, starting to panic. Jen knew she couldn’t let Judy think this way. No matter how much it pained her, Jen had to let it go and be there for her person. Jen walked over to Judy and took her arms into her hands and shook Judy out of it. 

“Jude look at me.” Jen demanded and when Judy shook her head and started whispering about how it was a mistake, Jen let one of her hands slide under Judy’s chin and lift it until she was forced to look into Jen’s eyes. Judy had a pained expression on her face that could only be compared to the look that she gave Jen when it came out that Steve did not physically provoke Jen. Judy looked heartbroken, her doubt and anxieties were getting the best of her in this moment and Jen couldn’t let that happen. 

“Do you love her?” Jen asked, trying to mask the pain in her voice. Judy’s eyes softened and more tears slid down her face. 

“I love her Jen.” Judy exhaled like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders and she laughed softly at how ridiculous she was acting, getting all worked up for nothing. 

Meanwhile Jen’s face faltered, and she looked down, praying that the flood of tears wouldn’t break the dam that was already very much cracked. Jen composed herself and looked back up at Judy. 

“Well then, let’s get you married.” 

***  
The wedding Ceremony was absolute fucking shit if Jen were to describe it. The only thing that Jen liked about it was Charlie walking Judy down the aisle and how beautiful she looked. Every time she saw Michelle, Jen’s blood boiled, and she had to fight the urge to run to the bathroom and vomit. After what felt like for fucking ever, the ceremony was over and the reception was starting just across the street at a community building that had a floor dedicated to big parties like Bar mitzvahs, Quinceañeras, and lesbian wedding receptions. Everyone lingered around, talking about the ceremony while Judy and Michelle talked to family members (mostly Michelle’s family). 

Jen helped henry get ready for his performance and her and Charlie even did a silly dance with him that was meant to get rid of his nerves, but it just made henry hypercritical of their technique. Jen rolled her eyes and pushed him softly towards the bathroom so he could get dressed for the performance. What the fuck did a ten-year-old know about dance techniques? Jen could out dance him any day of the week. 

The Holy Harmonies opened up the reception by singing two pop, age appropriate songs that for the first time, did not have lyrics that were changed to fit biblical themes. Throughout the performance Jen and Charlie snickered and made fun of the kids making mistakes. All was fun and forgotten until it was over, and the MC announced for Judy and Michelle to have their first dance. Jen knew she didn’t have the heart to watch, so she told Charlie and henry that they were running out of ice and she needed to go get some, which was a load of shit. 

Jen made her way out of the building and into her car. She drove to the only place that made her calm and not feel like she wanted to rip everyone’s fucking throats out. She got out of the car and walked towards her destination. Each step she took, increased the deafening sound of waves crashing into one another. Once she was in the spot where she and Judy had smoked weed together for the first time and kind of declared their friendship for the first time, she laid there, soaking in the ocean mist and cool breeze, hoping it would cleanse the ache that was still growing deep inside her. 

Jen let out a shaky breath that she felt like she’d been holding ever since Judy told her about her engagement to Michelle. Jen never let herself feel what she actually felt, she never had time alone long enough let herself go and feel whatever the fuck she was feeling. Judy needed Jen’s acceptance of their engagement. Jen wasn’t allowed to show any resemblance of uncertainty towards it for the last fucking 6 months. 

Jen felt the tears streaming down her face. She wasn’t audibly crying or even making an expression, she just let the tears flow. It was less of a sadness and pain now but more of a surrender. She was throwing in the flag. She couldn’t do It anymore; She couldn’t pine over Judy. Judy is now a married woman. No matter how much Jen loves her, she needs to let it all go and accept the situation for what it is. Jen was giving up. 

After thirty minutes of wallowing in self-pity, Jen fixed herself up in the car and drove back to the reception. As soon as she walked in, Judy ran up to her with a mix of excitement and curiosity painted on her face. 

“Where the hell have you been Jen? I saved a dance for you!” without waiting for an explanation or even an answer if Jen wanted to dance or not, Judy grabbed the blonde’s wrist and hurried them to the center of the dance floor. 

Of course, a slow fucking song was playing. Jen rolled her eyes and looked at Judy. Her hair was now tousled, and she seemed a little tipsy, her eyes sleepy but still bright with wonder. Jen fixed a couple strands of Judy’s hair behind her ears and helped the small woman with the correct placement, Jen leading with Judy’s hands on her shoulders. Judy snickered and laid her head on Jen’s chest as they found a nice, slow rhythm. Jen closed her eyes and savored the moment. This was possibly the last time she’d ever hold Judy in her arms like this. Jen ran her hands through the brunette’s hair and sighed. 

“Don’t ever let me go Judy.” 

***  
Jen jerked up from the bed and looked at the clock next to her. It was five thirty in the morning, she was never up this early. Jen sat paralyzed as she tried to control her breathing, she could feel her shirt soaked in the back with sweat. After she was sure she wouldn’t be passing out from hyperventilating, Jen looked to her left and saw Judy staring up at her with a bewildered look. All that was replaying through Jen’s mind was the insanely vivid dream she had just had. Judy was fucking marrying Michelle and Jen was fucking being a pussy. Jen searched Judy’s eyes for any sort of sign that she was in reality and not just dreaming again. 

Judy opened her mouth about to ask Jen what was wrong and why was she acting like God had fucking come down from heaven and smite them when Jen crashed her lips into the brunettes desperately, hoping to convey every thought and feeling she’s ever had into one kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry


End file.
